Friday, July 1, 2011

Expiration Dating: Part III (Johnny's Rebuttal)

I would first like to thank E for giving me the opportunity to share my side of the story. I have to admit that I am addicted to this juicy piece of online literature, and I am honored to contribute.

To understand my point of view, you must first know a few things about me. I am a HUGE flirt, a bit of a flake from time to time, and extremely fickle. The thought of commitment makes me cringe, and given the chance I will run at the first sign of a relationship turning serious. Suffice it to say that when it comes to dating, I prefer to wade around in the shallows, never really diving into the deep end. I never learned to swim in those waters and I am terrified of drowning. Despite these points of interest, I still believe that somewhere past my “bad boy musician” façade, a decent human being still exists.

I’ve never read any of Nicholas Sparks’ Unrealistic Expectations of Love novels, but I imagine that the first time I saw Miss E could be a perfect scene. I was walking into a church function with a female friend of mine (whom I might have had a minor crush on), when a stunning young lady in toga caught my eye. This was a church function, after all, but all I could think was, “….Daaayaamn.” And she was quite the sight to behold: long flowing dirty blond hair, beautiful smile. I quickly ask my friend who might this fair maiden be. She looked at me with disdain and hissed, “You do NOT want to get involved with her!” I’ve never been good at following advice, and I’ve always been a fan of forbidden fruit, so naturally, I wanted to meet her.

Sidebar (E): I actually have no recollection of this first meeting. I definitely did not utter a two-syllable "damn"...I guess J didn’t make as big of an impression on me ;) It must have happened though, because I somehow ended up with his number in my phone, which is how the following took place.  

Our first hang out involved driving around College Station in my Jeep, talking about high school, past relationships, how she was such a theatre nerd. I remember thinking, “Wow, this girl is awesome, kinda nerdy, but in a cute way.” We didn’t really hang out after because a certain female friend of mine had a bit of bad blood with E. Something about a boy. Go figure.

Sidebar (b/c E really loves to use them): They later rekindled their friendship over the mutual disgust they had for me, and are to this day close friends.

Sidebar (E): There really is nothing like the shared experience of dating J to bring two girls together.

Flash-forward about a year and a half: After months of flirting via text message since her return from Italy, and my previous relationship’s fiery end, we were both back in College Station and single. We started frequenting our favorite pub a few times a week with our close group of friends and yes, one magical night, when the stars aligned and the alcohol was flowing, E kissed me. My first thought was, “This. is. AWESOME!” followed quickly by, “My ex is going to be PISSED!!” which, honestly, made our first MOS especially enjoyable.

So E and I started dating, or whatever it was, and we agreed to keep things casual. And things were very casual. We would go out, we would make out. Rinse, repeat. Kinda to be expected from a relationship that was supposed to be under wraps (it totally wasn’t).

Sidebar (E): Yes, it’s true that pretty much everyone knew. Except this one friend of ours, who ended up accompanying the two of us unknowingly on a movie date (he overheard we were going, and really wanted to see the movie too)—he figured it out about halfway through Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist.

After a couple months of some amazing MOSs and nothing of real substance, I could tell that she was getting a bit irritated with me avoiding the “G” word.

Sidebar (J): Girls, we know when you’re upset about something, even though we might not show that we know. Most of the time we’re just avoiding actually talking about a problem in hope that you’ll eventually just give up and get over it. Sorry.

I began to think to myself, “Why not?” I mean, E was (still is) a great catch. Beautiful, witty, extremely intelligent, and she always had me on my toes. She’s fun to argue with, a trait I admire in a woman. I could see myself dropping a “G” word in the near future.

Soon after I began to play around with the idea of commitment, I made the extremely tough decision to move home the following semester. Now, do I try the long distance thing, or cut the ties before someone really gets hurt? I struggled with this decision for some time, bringing it to some of my female friends, over long lunches. I was on the fence.

And then: Halloween.

Oh, the party to end all parties. Our household had never seen such debauchery, and it will never (and should never) again. The Jell-O shots were gut-wrenching, but the kegs were nice. E decided to wear her (Catholic) high school uniform, complete with matching pigtails. I decided to be the Todd from Scrubs. By this point, everyone pretty much knew we were an unofficial item, so when I saw her CLEARLY flirting with Indiana Jones, I admittedly was a little jealous. In my slightly inebriated state, I decided that it was time to drop the G-bomb. After all, I couldn’t have Prof. Jones raiding my lost ark.

Sidebar (E): WOW.

I went into life-of-the-party mode and immediately wanted to do something stupid, like climb a tree to jump on our roof. You should have seen E run after me screaming bloody murder, “YOU’RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF!!!” Haha. The sight of her running through our screen door could have been a scene from an American Pie movie.

Sidebar (E): Sadly, this was not the last time this scene was to be reenacted. For some reason, J turns into freaking Edmund Hillary whenever he drinks. True story.

Luckily (or unluckily, depending) for me, our good friend was in the bushes… for some reason…and tackled me as I was scaling the fence. He has a habit of trying to beat me up when we drink. He never wins (seriously, bro, what is up with that?).

Sidebar (E): Johnny turns into Edmund Hillary, Sean turns into Mike Tyson. No, seriously, I’ve seen him bite a guy before.

So as the party winds down, we did find ourselves in my room. I did drunkenly drop the G-bomb. I was probably sporting a really smug grin. And all was right with the universe.

…but oh yeah, I’m moving in 6 weeks. Do I really want this?

I go into panic mode. Finding myself in a no-win situation, I turn to my friends for advice. I’m back on the fence about this whole thing. A few days later I had a long lunch with a female friend, and yes, I mistakenly double-booked myself. Totally my fault.

E seemed okay with it at first, but when she came over to my house later that day only to explode in a barrage of bottled-up frustration, estrogen and anger, I was quickly kicked off the fence. I wanted to spend my last six weeks in CS spending as much time as possible with my close friends and I didn’t want to feel guilty about it, especially if she was that upset. I searched what little conscience I have and decided to do the right thing.

Did I feel guilty? Of course. Was I to blame? Probably. Maybe I should have read a few of those Nick Sparks novels after all (and lain off the drunk texting).

In defense of my NEXT relationship: it was TWO months later, she grew up fifteen minutes from my parents’ house and was home every other weekend, and our families sort of knew each other. And yes, we were very much crazy about each other. It was a completely different situation.

Moral of the story, kiddos: Expiration Dating is never a good idea. Someone always ends up more emotionally invested and gets hurt. But it is fun while it lasts!!

Yours truly,
Johnny Brandolf


  1. BAHAHAHA!!! oh johnny... you never cease to amaze me. what a story! good thing im the only one in the office today bc i was cracking up, and people might have wondered what was wrong with me :)

  2. "ROSS!!!!" *BAM*

  3. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

    ...So much for the Lost Ark! Edmund Hilary... good one!

  4. "I couldn’t have Prof. Jones raiding my lost ark" .... freaking hilarious!

  5. Hey guys,
    I just want to say that though these stories are entertaining at times, please try to remember that there are a lot of people who might stumble across these anecdotes and think that some of the behavior related in the stories is acceptable of practicing, faithful Catholics. As former leaders of the St. Mary's community and current representatives of Christ in the world, please know that whatever the intentions might be behind this blog, some people might get the wrong idea. I truly don't mean this in a disrespectful or judgmental way, but only out of love for you, and anyone who might read this. We are searching for Love, true Love, and He is the only one that can satisfy the longings of our hearts. I love you, my brother and sister and in Christ. Thanks.