I’m oftentimes
amazed how well the apps in my life know me. Google can nearly always
autocomplete my search thought, Siri can sometimes autocorrect accurately
(though, really, “hahahags” was a typo and oh em gee, it was ONE TIME). Netflix
knew for, like, two years that I would become obsessed with and consume in
an embarrassingly short amount of time love Sherlock, and so kept it consistently in my suggested picks until
the promise of Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones finally wore me down.
Sidebar:
Scientists have actually discovered a substance that is harder than diamonds,
and it is located on BBatch’s face.
True story.
I am not
generally a superstitious person, but I do occasionally subscribe to the notion of
SIGNS. An unexpected job offer is a sign I should move back 500 miles to my
other hometown. A Lord of the Rings
marathon on TV is a sign I should transition from half-hermit to full-hermit
mode, and also I should really try that recipe for lembas that I pinned two
years ago. My pint of Haagen Dazs melting prematurely is a sign I should just
eat the whole thing. No one likes refrozen ice cream melt. No one.
So when,
over the course of a week, I saw the same ad for HowAboutWe.com about twenty
times as I was scrolling down Facebook, I’ll admit it—I gave pause.
 |
| The little ad that sucked me in |
“Could this
be it?” I wondered. “This seems like the slacker version of a real dating
website—perhaps my future husband has been waiting for me here the whole time!”
Sidebar:
There is actually a lazier dating app than HowAboutWe and it is called Tinder.
Don’t worry. That’s coming later.
The basic
premise of HowAboutWe is this: you create a fairly simple profile (no 5,000
match points survey to fill out here—I’m looking at you, eHarmony), and then
post date suggestions. I think one of the first ones I posted was “How about we
meet up for brats and beer?”—a suggestion I felt was both creative and
broadcast an irresistible girl next-door vibe. You can search other people’s
date suggestions on the site, and send them a message if you’re interested. And
why wouldn’t you be? Here’s a sampling of the date ideas of some of the quality
men found in my city:
“How about
we…violate the Geneva convention?”
Yes, let’s
waterboard some suspected terrorists. That sounds both charming and romantic.
“How about
we…ving a date?”
Ving? I’m
terrified this is some cool new slang with which I’m unfamiliar. Is it like a vine?
Is vine a verb now?
“How about
we…im here to find that one so dont bull @#$% me.”
You sir,
sound like you come with absolutely no baggage whatsoever. Sign. Me. UP.
“How about
we…Grab some drinks and if chemistry is good we come back and I give you an
amazing foot massage and cuddle to a movie”
I don’t know
what it is about this rash of strangers on the Internet offering foot massages
to prospective dates. Do these men really think that all a woman wants is to be
awkwardly caressed by the random guy who just bought them dinner at Cheesecake
Factory? Since he puts it out there, are we to expect that it’s coming and get
a pedicure? Is this allegedly amazing foot massage offer good for all kinds of
feet, or is it saved only for toes clean and dainty? Does he have references?
So many questions…
“How about
we…Smoke some KB, throw back
some shots of Patrón and see what happens next...”
Oh,
yes. Let’s. Casual drug use and binge drinking. Classic date idea!
So
yeah—it was not a sign; the Facebook advertising algorithm had clearly logged
the number of times I’ve used the hashtag forever alone and was trying to do me
a solid.
Sidebar:
They are also constantly suggesting I try something called Zoosk, a website
with which I am passingly familiar from their recent Hulu commercial that
featured a larger-than-life, sentient plush heart. It was as weird as it
sounds.
I did,
however, manage to find one guy during
my stint on HowAboutWe that seemed normal. Seemed.
***How
to Lose a Girl will be posting new stories on Fridays at 12 PM. Start your
weekend off right by laughing at my dating ineptitude!
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