Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Bachelorette Bookworm: In Her Netflix Queue

Over my (meager/miserly/mingy/pick-another-“m”-word-that-means-too-damn-short) Christmas break, I fell down the proverbial rabbit hole once again. I have a terrible tendency towards hermithood that is usually exacerbated by my inability to watch just one episode at a time of anything.

Sidebar: This applies not only to television or book series, but also to bags of Dove chocolate, Twizzlers, Fudge Stripe cookies and Goldfish (the crackers, not the pet. Obviously). All must be consumed right away, otherwise the temptation might kill me.

I have long been an admirer of a handsome Brit in a pair of well-cut breeches and a top hat, and as such, have lost my heart to many a leading man in one of the BBC’s or ITV’s plethora of period mini-series. These past two weeks, however, my heart belonged to Matthew Crawley of “Downton Abbey.” My obsession was so frenzied, that after re-watching all of season one, I simply couldn’t wait until January 8th for season two to begin in the States, and so resorted to various means of internet chicanery in order to find out what happened to Matthew, Mary, and the rest of the gang during and after the Great War, keeping my computer running late into the night as I stared at the tiny, 3” by 6” box on my screen, refreshing endlessly as to overcome numerous buffering issues, and undoubtedly making my family question once more how I will ever find a real person to suit me.

Sidebar: If you have not already been watching “Downton Abbey,” I command you to immediately cease reading this blog, and go find season one on Netflix. I guarantee that if you have both your ovaries, you’ll be hooked.

Last night, I was coerced into watching that parade of pageantry and, in my opinion, the manifestation of all that is wrong with America today, “The Bachelor.” Unfortunately, I was sucked in by Jenna the Bloggess’ crazy eyes, and now feel like I must finish out the season (Curse you, Jeni!), if only to mock it.

Sidebar: I will probably cry during the finale.

Inspired by my unrequited love of fictional characters and the monstrosity that is modern reality TV, I have decided to share my personal, perfectly-cast list of eligible bachelors, should ABC ever decide to make me their new bachelorette, and populate that venerable villa in the hills with the imaginary men of my dreams.

Arriving on horseback (clearly, they stole this gag from Lindzi):

Bachelor #1: Westly (Cary Elwes) in The Princess Bride

Bachelor #2: Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings

Bachelor #3: Guy of Gisborne (Richard Armitage) in “Robin Hood” (but only the first two seasons)

Bachelor# 4: Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice

Bachelor #5: Michael Hosea in Redeeming Love

Arriving in a four-in-hand:

Bachelor #6: Christian (Ewan McGregor) in Moulin Rouge

Bachelor #7: The Phantom (Gerard Butler) in The Phantom of the Opera

Bachelor #8: Dimitri (voiced by John Cusack) in Anastasia

Bachelor #9: Raoul (Patrick Wilson) in The Phantom of the Opera

Bachelor #10: John Thornton (Richard Armitage) in North & South

Arriving in a vintage Rolls Royce Silver Ghost:

Bachelor #11: Matthew Crawley (Dan Stevens) in “Downton Abbey”

Bachelor #12: Joe Bradley (Gregory Peck) in Roman Holiday

Bachelor #13: Mickey a.k.a. The Boy in the Tuxedo from that dream I had three and a half years ago that inspired my as-of-yet unfinished novel

Bachelor #14: Edward Cullen in The Twilight Saga

Bachelor #15: Neal Caffrey (Matt Bomer) in “White Collar”

Arriving in a classic stretch limo:

Bachelor #16: Keith (Eric Stoltz) in Some Kind of Wonderful

Bachelor #17: Ned (Lee Pace) in “Pushing Daisies”

Bachelor #18: Kevin Doyle (James Marsden) in 27 Dresses

Bachelor #19: Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) in “The Office”

Bachelor #20: Matt Flamhoff (Mark Ruffalo) in 13 Going on 30

Bachelor #21: Joey Richter (Joey Richter) in StarKid Production’s “Me and My Dick”

Bachelor #22: Jess Mariano (Milo Ventimiglia) in “Gilmore Girls”

Arriving in a “Firefly-class” spaceship, in the Horrible Van, and by broomstick (a Nimbus 2001) respectively:

Bachelor #23: Captain Mal Reynolds (Nathan Fillion) in “Firefly”

Bachelor #24: Dr Horrible/Billy (NPH) in “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”

Bachelor #25: Draco Malfoy (Lauren Lopez) in StarKid’s “A Very Potter Musical” and “A Very Potter Sequel”

I think this will make for a good mix in the Villa de la Vina, don’t you? But who will be the first to go? Tune in next time for the first rose ceremony (many thanks to the Phantom’s florist for providing the lovely “Black Prince” roses for the proceedings). Until then, enjoy this montage of manly men looking pensively out into the distance!

Sidebar (in conclusion): I think this little endeavor marks my move into certifiable territory…


  1. Seriously, best blog post EVER!!!! I am currently on episode 6 of downton abbey and am more in love with Matthew Crawley than ever. Although I should go to bed for my first day of work in 2012, I fear I shall not rest until I have watched the final 2 epsiodes... Girls, E's recommendation of PBS special does not disappoint. Also, I'd most definitley add Prince Henry (Dougray Scott) from Ever After to your list.

  2. This is awesome! I love your choices!! I am also so glad you started blogging again! I love em!

  3. Hilarious. I especially loved the part about loving "Downtown Abbey" is I have both my ovaries. I've got mine, so I guess I have to check it out :)