Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Bryan Ryan Returns!

And so does How to Lose a Girl...at least for the time being. We'll see how many entries I can eke out over winter break.

What you are about to read is an actual textersation between me and Bryan Ryan. Yes, that Bryan Ryan. He’s about 10% serious here (I’m ball-parking), but is nothing if not earnest in his mostly-in-jest attempts to get me to date him. He’s going to wear down the nicest girl someday! I kid. Bryan Ryan, you know I love you in the sincerest, most-platonic way possible :)

Bryan Ryan: Just one time, E! You’re going to give me a chance and it’s going to be EPIC!

Me: Only in your dreams, mon frère.

Me: And if there are dreams, I don’t want to know about them… :P

Bryan Ryan: Chinese food. Greek. You’re basically saying we were meant to be together

Me: Yes, you’re right. Everyone knows that pan-Asian cuisine and cancelled ABC Family shows are in fact a euphemism for hooking up. How silly of me.

Bryan Ryan: Not silly. Calculated. Well played.

Me: I want you. I need you. Oh baby oh baby.

Bryan Ryan: Now you’re just playing hard to get

Me: And quoting Julia Stiles. I’m multi-talented like that

Bryan Ryan: She was FANTASTIC in 10 things I hate about you

Me: Indeed

Me (trying to change the subject): How go the law school apps?

Bryan Ryan: Still waiting on a recommendation to be submitted but I’m basically done otherwise.

Sidebar: Did you breathe a sigh of relief? Too soon, I’m afraid. When Bryan gets on a roll, he must see the pick-up lines through to the end.

Bryan Ryan: I can be a provider. See?

Sidebar: Aaaaand he’s back!

Me: Yes, but not for at least like 6 years...

Bryan Ryan (not dissuaded): 4.5 and you really have to think long term on that one

Me: ...plus then you’ll have all your law school debt to deal with

Bryan Ryan: I don’t plan to have all that much debt…(Bryan proceeds to lay out his five-year financial plan for me)…not all that bad

Me (wryly): Well, that’s good.

Bryan Ryan: Yeah, so just start thinking about it. There could be a Mary statue in your future ;)

Sidebar: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: there is a running joke amongst my group of friends that all most a goodly amount of marriage proposals that come out of St. M relationships involve an adoration hour, rose petals, and a statue of Mary. I maintain that there is a pamphlet that our pastor hands out to guys when they ask for his brother's information. He’s a local jeweler. The brother, not the priest. There’s some kind of nepotism in there somewhere.

Me: No, my future husband will have much more creativity than that. 27-year-old PhD’s have mad proposal-planning skills. That’s why their six-packs are so taut—they’re full of ideas.

Sidebar: There’s another running joke/prediction that I will one day date a 27-year-old, "almost gay" PhD with a six pack. I don't get it either. Just go with it.

Bryan Ryan: Well 27-year-old JD’s with a sense of humor tease you at 24 about a Mary statue to set the stage

Me: You are not 27. Are you building a time machine too?

Bryan Ryan: No? I said that 27-year-old JD’s (which I WILL be) tease you at 24 (which I am)

Me: Ahh

Bryan Ryan: That’s at least one date for false accusations. I’m sure we can reach a settlement that will be amenable to all parties…

Sidebar: Bryan likes to practice his last-will-and-testament diction for inevitable future use in his closing arguments.

Me: One where you lose my number?

Bryan Ryan: Lose your number? What do you think I do on dates?

Me: Ah, see you have fallen to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is never get into a land war with Asia—but only slightly less well-known is this:  “Never hit on a girl who has watched you clip your toenails who isn’t already married to you.”

Sidebar: Boom! Lawyered.

Bryan Ryan: Ahh, touché. Well, I guess that’s the only reason this won’t work.

Me: Sure.

Bryan Ryan: You shut me down so hard. It’s incredible

Me: It’s what I do :) Bow to greatness, Bryan Ryan. Bow to stone-cold greatness.

I like to think that these little dialogues are an exercise in verbal sparring that will hone Bryan's argumentation skills so that he can one day kill it in the courtroom. Bryan Ryan, you're welcome.


  1. You two crack me up. But if Bryan Ryan is who I think he is, he's not the only one who is calling a date in the future. Didn't one of your brothers-in-law predict it too? Of course, that would make you resist even more...

  2. so glad you're back!!!!!!!! life was not complete without how to lose a girl in one date. or in this case how to ensure you will never date E :) Sorry Bryan Ryan!

  3. The Wedding Racket in this town... It just grows! :)

  4. E,

    That was, "Legen-hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next part is-dary!"