"Socially Awkward Penguin" Is My Spirit Meme

Other titles considered for this post: "Newsflash! I am also bad at this whole dating thing," "Yes, I'm an insane person," and "It's my blog and I can be a Taylor Swift gif if I want to."

This blog has historically ragged on the gentlemen and jerks I've encountered in my dating life. While I think I've done a reasonable job of making fun of myself as well, to be fair (and to ensure that none of you have gotten the impression I am anything close to smooth), I decided to dedicate this post to one of the many wonderfully weird things I have done and said while on a date that could be considered blogworthy, if the domain howtocreepaguyoutinonedate.com is still free.

This summer, I went on a great date, which included a delicious meal and after-dinner drinks and lasted seven hours. SEVEN.

Sidebar: Not a bad thing. Einstein once described his theory of relatively thusly: “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.”*

*I found this on Goodreads. Do with that and your faith in this quote’s authenticity what you will.

In short, it was definitely not the worst date ever. 

INTERLUDE in which I detail some things to know about me:

Despite what some people have insinuated, while I find absolutely nothing wrong with kissing on the first date, there are no guarantees that I will engage with you in post-date intertongitation, even if you did buy me dinner. Consequently, while I had been on several dates during my sojourn in T-town, I hadn't kissed anyone in ages and had a (possibly) irrational fear that I had forgotten how and so had been feeling a bit trepidatious about what might happen at the end of the date. 

Sidebar: Is making out like riding a bike? Or is it like high school French, and if you don’t use it, you lose it? This sidebar brought to you by the ghost of teenaged Carrie Bradshaw.

It is also important to note that, over the course of the evening, I drank what probably amounted to an entire bottle of wine.

END INTERLUDE

So there I am at the end of the night, a little west of drunk and nervous as all get out, liking this boy and knowing that that pivotal, potentially magical moment that lives between the car door and the door to my apartment was fast approaching.

We parked, and I gracelessly exited his sedan, wobbled on my wedges up the path beside him, and then—he paused.

Oh God, is this happening?

He leaned in...

This is definitely happening. 

...and kissed me.

Oh...hello.

Excitement! And pure terror. Subsequently, spurred by a shot of corticotropin which Wikipedia informs me is the hormone that kicks off the acute stress response, I fled.

Just to keep things confusing for my date though, I paused mid-bolt on the landing of the stairs to my apartment.

“Goodnight!” I called. He turned around and smiled up at me.

“Don’t die!”

Sidebar: My memory is a bit hazy because wine, but I imagine his face looked something like this.

Um...what?

I’m pretty sure what I meant to say was something like, “I had a really good time tonight, and it’s late, and you’re cute, and it would really suck if something horrific happened to you, so please drive safely on your way home so you don’t die,” but the entire first part of that sentence came out as silent subtext.

The moral of this story is I should probably drink less when trying to present myself as something close to a normal human being/love interest. 

Also, good news! Howtocreepoutaguyinonedate.com is, in fact, still available on Go Daddy for the low, low price of $2.99/yr. Someone should jump on that before someone else steals their domain name. #totallynotbitter

Ladies, I pray I'm not alone in my moments of of supreme social awkwardness whilst dating, so please share your own moments of inelegance in the comments below. Gents, if you were on the receiving end of such behavior, feel free to share your own experiences as well. Bonus points if you use reaction gifs.

Sidebar: I'm kind of obsessed with reaction gifs at present, in case it wasn't obvious.

#4, this is a meme :)